pray like a knife
on my mind
this newsletter is going out a few weeks later than planned because of some personal and work-related travels and then - surprise! i got COVID just as we marked the three-year anniversary of this pandemic. thankfully, being vaccinated and double boosted, i trusted that it wouldn’t be that bad but since it was my first time, it was still rough to go through. it was a sobering reminder that yes, the pandemic is still happening even if i had somehow managed to avoid getting sick until this point and most of us have stopped masking as intently as we were before.
being sick is never fun but it’s especially not fun when you’re not at home and supposed to be at an in-person work retreat with your team. i ended up leading the retreat from my hotel room over zoom, which is slightly amusing to think about in hindsight, and essentially slept for two days waking up from delirium to take my meds and pick up my uber eats meals that i ate alone in a very nice room while i coughed myself to sleep.
the judgmental critic in me had to work on silencing my shame and frustration about how i had let this happen (understanding it wasn’t my fault and bound to happen eventually), so i took the opportunity to slow down, put work aside, and take care of my body because really, what else can you do? denying my illness and trying to push through wasn’t doing me any favors and i’m finally feeling better.
and now here we are at the beginning of ramadan, another time that forces me to slow down even further, go inward and reflect. i’m spending it all in arizona this year with my parents, which besides the first pandemic ramadan, is something i haven’t done in years. there’s a lot of FOMO seeing friends in DC and the Bay and all over gathering for iftars, suhoors and active programs that i would normally have been a part of. i used to host weekly iftars in my apartment that were really beautiful and overwhelming gatherings of friends and strangers. ramadan was one of the few times i became more social and felt affirmed in my spiritual journey for all my doubts and shortcomings.
yesterday, i shared with a friend how i felt like i was missing out on the communal activities this month, and i appreciated that she told me that i didn’t need all of that to still make it a meaningful month. ramadan or any time of intensive discipline towards a goal does need more solitude, more time to focus on gaining clarity within. it can be easy to let the month just pass by without any specific intention or let it be measured by how many people you saw or events you got invited to. sometimes keeping yourself busy with social things can actually be a way to avoid yourself and doing the inner work (which maybe i was subconsciously trying to do as well).
i’ll close with a quote my friend shared with me that i am carrying into the weeks ahead.
if you’re observing ramadan, i’d love to hear any initial thoughts, goals, or challenges you’re facing. if you also have questions about what this month is about, i’m happy to answer them as well!
what i’m noting
Recent Reads: All My Rage by Sabaa Taahir and Black Cake by Charmaine Wilkerson. Both of these books were fantastic and I’m still thinking about each one weeks later. If you’re in the mood for stories of intergenerational love, loss, migration, and finding your own way in America, I highly recommend.
I also finished Dial A for Aunties by Jesse Q. Sutanto which was a fun, breezy rom-com/sort-of murder mystery featuring a Chinese-Indonesian main cast, but you’ll have to suspend your belief to get through this one — it also really would have benefited from another round of edits…
Some Ramadan related reads:
Listen: The Digital Sisterhood podcast
TDS is a platform that aims to unite women of color and counter the pre-existing narrative on what it means to be a Muslim woman. Every episode is a beautiful walk through of people’s real-life stories and you’ll either laugh, cry, or both through them all. Also, this podcast makes me want to hang out with Toronto girls because their energy and attitude is everything.
Write: April is National Poetry Month, so I invite you to join my #30days30poems challenge by doing exactly that. You don’t have to post your poems publicly but this has been a really meaningful creative challenge I’ve been doing for the last six years. Free yourself of writer’s block or perfectionism by committing to writing one poem each day in April. Follow along, read and share with me here!
If you like this newsletter, you can click the “heart” at the top of this post on Substack, share it on social media or forward to a friend. Remember, you can always hit reply to this email if you want to share what you’re noting or just say hi.
— Nesima