making moves
on my mind
it’s hard to type this, but here i am trying to accept and acknowledge a very big change that i have not publicly shared yet: i am moving out of my apartment in virginia and heading back to arizona!
this was not the conclusion i thought i was going to make when my building sent me a lease renewal several months ago. i have always been passionately against moving back to arizona. even during covid, i only went home for a few months and then raced back to my apartment and the eerie, shell of what used to be my fun east coast, big city, independent life.
i came to virginia seven years ago to attend grad school at american university and honestly wasn’t sure how long i’d stay after. i just knew d.c. held so much potential and purpose for me. the least i could do was try getting a job and seeing what i could accomplish here.
over the last seven years, i made new friends, fell in love, got my heart broken, started therapy to deal with my anxiety, graduated with my master’s, had three different jobs in investigative journalism, magazine journalism and communications consulting, moved four times, spent a lot (a lot) of money, traveled to several countries, took many buses and trains to philly and new york, got closer to my east coast family, performed my own poetry and music, met some of my favorite celebrities and role models, took improv and writing and art classes, experienced living alone, adopted a cat, got into and out of shape, learned how to host dinners and parties, and radically shifted what success and happiness was supposed to look and feel like for an eritrean muslim woman and eldest daughter of immigrants.
being in virginia during covid was an interesting experience. i created new routines, sat with myself, slowed down a lot, got a new remote job, adjusted to working from home, and confronted a lot of ideas and expectations i had of myself as i turned 30 and then 31. part of me wonders why i bothered to stay out here when i didn’t have to. i supposed i just wasn’t ready for more change at the time. i was so determined to continue the life i had, to not let the pandemic steal my joy and control my decisions. i knew i still cared about the life i had built for myself and i didn’t want to go “backwards” and lose everything by moving back with my parents. i thought i’d miss out on friends, experiences, activities, meeting a guy (lol) and whatever else i thought i was supposed to be doing at my age. the more i reflected on my time in virginia, i questioned whether this is where i really wanted to be or if i was simply comfortable and afraid to consider anything else.
and when i became more honest with myself, i had to admit that i was tired. truly tired. living alone is wonderful and i loved how much the independence meant for me, but i realized i am a lot more communal than i thought i was and i wanted to be around my village again. we’re also at a point where everything is more expensive than usual and in my 30s, i care about saving more and hitting particular financial goals that are going to be out of reach if i continue to live in a pricey place just to keep up with being “that girl.”
now there’s obviously a huge sacrifice that comes with living with your parents. as someone who was extremely sheltered growing up, i valued living away from home as an adult and everything i got to do with that freedom. but now at 31, the truth is there’s very little to rebel against anymore. my relationship with my parents is not perfect but it’s markedly better than it was when i was 18. i actually miss my parents a lot and want to spend more time with them now that i have the flexibility. my dad had to get a major surgery a few weeks ago (he’s doing well and recovering now) and though i’m grateful that i was able to get on a plane to go see him for a few days, it was another sobering reminder that as i am getting older, so are my parents. i value their presence in my life, yet here i am not being in alignment with that ideal when i have the opportunity to.
arizona is by no means my end game. i see myself there for at least 4-5 months and am opening myself up to whatever comes next. who knows-maybe i will just end up coming back to virginia or maybe i will move somewhere else. my plan is to be present, reset and let the answer come to me in due time. the uncertainty was painful initially, but i’ve finally reached a state of calm and contentment about the decision.
but before i leave the DMV, i must honor what i shall miss:
i will miss being in a walkable area and starting my mornings by the waterfront with my coffee while i do my daily wordle. i will miss being in a place that has a metro or any form of public transportation. i will miss being in a place that has different seasons (those crispy fall leaves! the first snow fall! the cherry blossoms in spring!). i will miss being close to so many wonderfully smart, talented, kind and ambitious friends who came from all over the country. i will miss my black women’s halaqa group. i will miss being a short drive to states that i would never actually live in (*cough* new york *cough*). i will miss being on the same coast as my brother. i will miss being near so much history and all the free museums. i will miss being near the chaos of the federal government and major political events. i will miss being in such a diverse area where i can see visibly muslim people and eritreans and ethiopians at every corner. i will miss my first solo apartment and all its memories of dinner parties, iftars, brunches, sleepovers, and countless heart to heart sessions with friends. i will miss being in a place that stretched me professionally, creatively, spiritually, and emotionally.
the next month is going to be an intense one of packing up, selling and giving away stuff, deciding what is essential and letting go of what is not meant to join me in the next chapter. for those of you who have been reading this newsletter for a bit, you’ll know how long it took me to finally commit to buying things like a dining table or desk so it’s bittersweet to be parting with these items already. everything is replaceable right?? btw, if you haven’t joined your local “buy nothing” group on facebook, do it now because it’s the loveliest way to connect with your neighbors and makes you feel so good to give things away to people who really want it!
as the date approaches, i know i am going to get more existential and sad about leaving. i am grateful to have the opportunity to go “home” when so many people do not have a safe or accessible home to return to. i’m also looking forward to reuniting with my cat layla who has already moved to arizona and is entertaining my parents with her sassy antics —how far we have come from them not allowing me to have a pet as a kid :)
i want to end this incredibly long and dramatic ramble by taking a moment to thank all of you reading this, whether i met you in the DMV or elsewhere and for your role in being a part of the different homes i’ve been in. stay tuned for updates on my adventures in arizona and ??? i promise to be more regular with this newsletter again once i’m settled in!
what i’m noting
Listen: "How to Start Over,” a podcast from The Atlantic
Listen: “Am I Normal,” a podcast by Mona Chalabi (you’ve likely seen her graphs and charts on Instagram). I particularly enjoyed these episodes: Should I move home?, Is it really that bad to marry my cousin?, and Which box do I check?
Support: HEART’s Reproductive Justice Fund
Thanks for reading! If you like this newsletter, you can click the “heart” at the top of this post on Substack, share it on social media or forward to a friend — they can subscribe at notedbynesima.substack.com.
Remember, you can always hit reply to this email if you want to share what you’re noting or just say hi.
— Nesima