Birthday chronicles
On my mind
i get nervous when december comes around. this is my birth month, a time i was taught to celebrate and run towards. instead, as each month slips by, some 30 or 31 days from blooming colors to aching heat to a chill under my skin, i feel the anticipation of a child who is waiting for her turn to read aloud in class.
she skips ahead in the book to see what paragraph will land on her starts studying the words, in hopes she will say all the words correctly and impress everyone with how smooth they roll off her tongue. when it's time, all eyes will be on her
on my birthday, i feel like all eyes are on me, as if to say
and you? what do you have to say for yourself
during another year of being earthside
what did you learn, what did you see, what difference have you made?
💻 i left one job and started another, in my continued quest to find a job that fulfills and energizes me while providing me with a healthy, innovative and caring environment. i went from a small nonprofit newsroom to a huge for-profit newsroom, from having no team to having a team of six people, from my own office to a cubicle… so there’s been a great deal of change i’m still adjusting to. i’m still not where i want to be but at the end of the day, i am learning to separating my worth from my work and take stock of how each professional opportunity is shaping me.
💗 i watched two close friends get married and experienced rooms full of dancing, music, laughter, great food and cultures coming together. on the other side, my own shots at love have terribly missed the mark. the pain is still there as is the self-doubt, but i do believe this messy journey is worth it in the end, if it opens you up further than you ever thought possible. for now, i’m recovering and cheering from the sidelines until i’m ready to venture out there again. finding comfort in myself first is always the right thing to do.
🏠 I moved into my own apartment for the first time, which has far more space than i need. the vastness overwhelms me such that every day i feel like i must justify the price and my solitude. i also just miss doing the little things with someone whether it’s pick up groceries, vent about your days, carpool to an event or just be on the couch while each doing your own thing. but i do love how much sunlight fills the room for both me and my new plants. i also held three potluck dinners that brought in 30 people, strangers and friends, each week during ramadan which brought me more confidence in my hosting and socializing abilities.
✍🏽 I wrote so many poems, 30 to be exact. they helped me process life in real time. meanwhile, my attempts at capturing the world in a novel have been sluggish as my mind fights the marathon of rewriting and soul searching that the experience involves. but i found a kind soul and fellow writer over the internet to exchange pages and encourage one another in our respective manuscripts. maybe in 2020 mine will finally be complete. but in other feats i will acknowledge, i interviewed chimamanda ngozi adichie for an instagram video and published an article on the rise of muslim young adult authors!
✈️ i traveled the world! from turkey to the bay area to new york to arizona to miami to philly to spain, bringing back photos, stories and a more refined palate. traveling continues to be my favorite past time, one that i’m privileged to invest in after i take care of my essentials.
🍳i cooked a lot. the kitchen became my refuge as i made sunday my scheduled meal prep day. saturdays where i got to make brunch or a random weeknight when i made a solo dinner and sat at the table with a lit candle and some tea… what could be better? i mastered new recipes both veggie and meat friendly (the meat is a new thing as a relapsed but semi-vegetarian) and found a certain peace in taking care of myself through food even if it meant having a sink full of dishes (a chore i despise), extra trips to the grocery store or farmer’s market and a longer night.
🎨 i tapped into my community arts organizer self and organized 12 monthly open mic nights, a sold-out iftar open mic, and a storytelling competition for the muslim writers collective. this is a role i’ve cherished for a long time but i’m finally ready to step down from my position after four years to take some time for myself and perhaps explore other opportunities. i helped facilitate a new event, a creative wellness retreat, that really inspired me so maybe i’ll do more with that, who knows?
💬i leaned into my therapy sessions. this year marked my second year of going to a therapist since grad school and i went from being a passive venter to consciously taking control of my sessions with my own goals so that i could implement what i learned after i left. i didn’t get to go as often as i’d like and when i wanted to, but i do think i’m a better person and have learned to treat myself more kindly than i did before.
📱i had more phone calls with friends and my parents. nothing beats hearing people’s voices in conversations. i’ve been so intent on giving my undivided attention to people that matter and creating more intimacy in my relationships. especially living alone, i don’t have someone to chat with as soon as i get home so these regular calls on my walks home or even impromptu ones have become one of my favorite practices.
so that’s just a brief overview of my 28th year. there’s obviously a good amount i’ve skipped over and moments i’ve chosen to keep to myself. i don’t have particular goals for 29 figured out yet, probably will roll them into my 2020 plans whenever i sit down to think about those. i just hope i’m happier, healthier, kinder and braver in my next year.
i wanted to close with saying that i’m so grateful for this newsletter and all of you. this all started six months ago as a habit-building creative effort, a reminder that i do have thoughts and ideas and maybe other people would want to hear them too? i have loved your feedback and encouragement and wisdom and cool reads.
so thanks for being a part of my growth, wherever this takes us next!
p.s. i started writing this reflection as a poem and then it turned into more of a list hence everything in lowercase but i also find it less exhausting to read? lol
What I’m noting
Bloomberg’s Jealousy List // An annual list of stories Bloomberg reporters wish they had written
My Friend Mister Rogers // I’m really looking forward to the movie adaptation of journalist Tom Junod’s friendship with beloved children’s TV host, Mister Rogers
A Kid In A Refugee Camp Thought Video Games Fell From Heaven. Now He Makes Them // Lual Mayen fled the civil war in South Sudan and is now a video game developer in D.C., creating games that encourage peace and conflict resolution.
I Was “Too Much” for Boarding School. But I Had the Garcia Sisters. // A beautiful personal essay about the power of seeing yourself in books and how that can change your life
Blood and Soil in Narendra Modi’s India // “Ever since Modi was first elected Prime Minister, in 2014, he has been recasting the story of India, from that of a secular democracy accommodating a uniquely diverse population to that of a Hindu nation that dominates its minorities, especially the country’s two hundred million Muslims. Modi and his allies have squeezed, bullied, and smothered the press into endorsing what they call the “New India.”
Since December is here, I’d love to get your highlights of 2019 for Noted by You! All you have to do is answer these four questions:
What was the best thing you ate this year?
What was the best thing you watched this year?
What was the best thing you read this year?
What was the biggest life lesson you learned this year?
I’ll share a round up (anonymously if you prefer) over the next few weeks.
That’s it for me. Hope you all have a great weekend!
— Nesima