permission to be messy
on my mind
Yesterday, my day began with freaking out about being a mess and ended with me (somewhat) embracing it. The messes were for different reasons, but I still came away with an appreciation for what I could learn from them.
The first mess was my closet, which I have been avoiding dealing with for months. I’ve been wanting to declutter and rearrange things to fit my new work from home life, but the idea of taking everything out exhausts me. Organizing my closet means assigning value to things, making assumptions about the future and what I will or won’t need, parting with gifts that I’m worried someone will notice I don’t have, and wondering if I have too much or not enough stuff for someone my age. I know, you thought I was just an over-thinker, but now you are pretty sure I’m a hoarder too. I may be a hoarder but I have the spirit of a functional minimalist! That’s why I thought reorganizing my closet to reflect quarantine outfits would make the most sense and putting away clothes that are too formal or not seasonally appropriate anymore. All I actually accomplished that morning was dumping all my hijabs on the floor, lining them up by color and setting aside the ones that were so old or haven’t been worn in years (tribal design and neon pink patterns-yikes). I was afraid to let the mess get any greater than that and what it would take to face it all.
The second mess was my writing, which I confronted through a Tin House craft intensive during the afternoon. The title of the workshop was “Permission to Be Messy” and was a generative workshop that gave us exercises to be creative, explore new structures, and push through bad first drafts.
Some of you may know I’ve been “writing a novel” for the last 7 years. I’ve gone through many iterations of the novel I started writing as a semi-autobiographical story that was meant to be a fun writing project during National Novel Writing Month and a tool to process my post-college experiences and living away from home. My perfectionism has stopped me from ever actually finishing one draft, because something is always missing or not right so I now have 3 versions of a half-finished novel. I haven’t let myself move on from this story to pursue my other novel and short story ideas, because I’m afraid to quit something and create a pattern of quitting everything else I attempt. Therefore, I’m still “writing a novel.”
What this craft intensive reminded me is that the first draft is supposed to be messy! I left the workshop with so many ideas, writing techniques and a great start to a new short story that I would never though I’d write about if not for my teacher’s unorthodox exercises. She also shared a quote from Douglas Kearney that I really loved: “The only job of the first draft is to exist.” I’d like to say that’s also our job in life too— to just exist. Learn from our mistakes. Be imperfect, unknowing and uncertain. Be weird. Have fun. Keep it moving.
It’s okay to create a certain amount of mess in your life. Tolerating messes allows us to appreciate our lives once we do get everything in order. It allows us to be in touch with new ways of thinking, feeling and being. It’s uncomfortable yes, but it’s not a waste of time if it ultimately gets us closer to our goal.
So if you’re trying to be great— whether in art or life, ask yourself first if you’re able to give yourself permission to be messy.
what i’m noting
WATCH: Two movies I really enjoyed that you can catch on Netflix //
1) The Forty-Year-Old Version: Clever title and super relatable story of what happens when you want to follow your passion but are afraid it’s too late and that the world doesn’t care about what you have to say, especially when you’re a Black woman approaching 40.
2) Vampires vs the Bronx: Fun, spooky story about a group of kids trying to protect their neighborhood from gentrification and vampires. Beware of the fancy condos and new smoothie store opening on your block!
READ: What If Friendship, Not Marriage, Was at the Center of Life? //
“Many of those who place a friendship at the center of their life find that their most significant relationship is incomprehensible to others. But these friendships can be models for how we as a society might expand our conceptions of intimacy and care.”
My family is pretty traditional, so everyone who is married puts their spouse and/or children at the center. Friends were never supposed to be a priority over family. I was told by my parents that I used the word “friend” too loosely growing up lol. I have done my best over the years to find good friends and also be a good one, but sometimes I’m not sure I am one, because I was taught to always put family first. Now I’m at the age where everyone is married or trying to get married, which is held up in society as the ultimate, defining partnership and measurement of self-worth. I’ve resisted the desire to feel incomplete or lonely if I’m not married and remind myself that I’m lucky to have some really wonderful friendships that require just as much effort, patience, compromise and compassion as marriage does, with just as much emotional intimacy, loyalty, fun and joy in return. What do you think of the idea of further uplifting the value of friendship as a legitimate partnership? I’d love to know what kind of relationships you put at the center of your life and how they have shaped your idea of intimacy and care.
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— Nesima